Voluntary Safety 自願的安全感
1st Feb 2019
There must be a better way to handle this:
Which is to say maybe the first step is to try not to think
About you all the damn time
Perhaps try not to lie to myself while lying to you by omission
I am so good at not saying what I want to say
So conscious about trying not to burden you with information that isn’t useful
Yet constantly wondering what would you do if you knew:
Would I wake up on mornings after I have been
With my head between your legs
Watching you smile when you open your eyes
That knowing smile when a girl is content
And then laughing because I’ve cracked some stupid joke
While putting on some pants to make you breakfast
Or would it be a different kind of south
One where I have completely misread the situation
And the knowledge becomes the source of awkwardness
Of long periods of not talking
That’s easy when you don’t work in the same place or live in the same place
Avoiding someone you make an effort to meet with is
Ridiculously simple
Yet even though you’ve just performed two shows and have an essay to write
I know you sometimes stop time to fit me in
So that over Sake you can hear me rant about my life
Or that you can talk about your insecurities
While I think about the time it was written on the cards
That I am safety
Second hand knowledge, at best, but it warms my butch heart
It is not my place to tell you
When you meet me with your tired eyes and no make up
You are beautiful beyond measure
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know enough about you
I also feel like I have known you for so long
I know it is chemistry, it’s all these chemicals in my brain
Telling me things that I cannot tell you
Wondering if you asking me for a smoke is an excuse to see me
Or just an indication of my usefulness in that moment
Although it makes no difference
Because if you called, I would drop the weight upon my shoulders
And arrive on my weary legs by your side
Ready with cigarettes or safety.
2019年2月1日
一定有更好處理這件事的方法的：
意思是說，或許第一步是嘗試不要再想
你，時時刻刻該死地想
或許嘗試不要在藉著省略部分事實對你說謊時，對自己說謊
我太擅長不把想說的話說出口
那麼地注意不要用非必要的資訊造成你的負擔
但時時想著你會怎麼做，如果你知道：
我會不會在早晨清醒，在我
頭埋於你雙腿之間後
看著你張開眼睛時笑著
那種女孩滿足時會心的笑
我一邊把褲子套上，要去幫你做早餐
你因為我講了某個愚蠢的笑話而笑著
或者，會不會這其實是另一種「急轉而下」
整個過程我完全誤讀了狀況
你的知情帶來了尷尬
還有長時間的無言以對
當你不在同一個地方工作或生活，這很簡單
避開一個你要投入心力才見得到面的人
簡單的誇張
即使你大概才表演完兩場戲，還有篇報告要寫
我知道你有時候還是凍結時間，讓我擠進你的日程
所以你能喝著清酒，聽我對於生活發牢騷
或著藉此你得以談談你的不安全感
同時我想著那時塔羅牌上寫著
「你是安全感。」
再怎麼樣也是二手的資訊，但，溫暖了我踢踢的心
我沒有資格告訴你
當你素顏帶著疲累的雙眼來見我
你是無與倫比的美麗
有時候我覺得我不夠認識你
但又覺得我認識你好久了
我知道這都是化學作用；這些在我腦裡的化學物質
在跟我講這些我無法告訴你的事情
我想著你找我抽煙，是不是一個見我的藉口
還是只是代表我當下對你的用處
但其實都沒差
因為你只要一呼喚，我就會放下我肩上一切重量
乘著疲憊的雙腿出現在你身旁
菸，安全感，都會備好。
(翻譯: Jaeden; 編輯: Alexis) (Photo credit: StockSnap)