Write Minds.Write Matters
A monthly column by Alexis of her thoughts on things that matters to her. It may be funny, serious, both, neither or some combinations of those. "My thoughts are my own - the only thing I really own."
Follow her on Instagram (@alex.is_imm).
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ Rumi
[ Translated Chinese version here 中文翻譯在此 ]
How was your Valentine? Had a good time with your beloved?
If you had a good time with your beloved, I’m happy for you. Truly. It’s hard to find someone in this chaotic world, knowing how small the dating pool is for us queers. Cherish and protect the love you have with this wonderful person. The world is less shitty and less daunting when you have someone to keep you company. The obstacles in Life seem less paralyzing when you have someone to share the burden with. Be grateful for his/her/their company, support, and love.
If you were like me and spent that day alone, do not despair. Do not feel pity for yourself. Do not think any less of yourself. Your life is NOT incomplete because you do not have a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend or significant other. Do not settle for anyone lesser because you are worthy of someone who would love, support and accept you for who you are.
It took me a very long while to get to this state of mellowness. LOL. Since I was young, I was taught that I could not depend on anyone but myself, and somehow that notion was extended to my relationships. I must admit that I have always doubted myself in the matters of the heart. I have always thought that Yue Lao (月老) has forgotten about me, and Cupid’s arrows must have missed. Maybe the protective armor that I put on to protect myself all these years has worked too well. Do I believe in love? Yes and No. I believe in soul mates and loving relationships. Yet I never quite believe that I myself would ever find my own happily ever after. Even to this day.
There was this one scene from the 1990s TV show called Ally McBeal that stayed with me all these years. In one of its episodes, she had the following dialog with one of her clients in court.
Ally : Other than taking food orders or talking about the weather, maybe even the Red Sox, do you remember the first more personal conversation with her?
Client : Yes. I asked her why she always seemed so sad.
Ally : How did she respond?
Client : She just smiled a little. Said she was fine.
Ally : Did you know she'd split up with her husband?
Client : Not at the time.
Ally : And did you interpret this sadness as loneliness?
Client : Well No. Actually, it seemed a little worse.
Ally : What's worse than being alone? I mean, how did it seem worse?
Client : I saw lots of lonely people. Summer restaurant by the cape. The place would be full of them. They always have a look.
Ally : What kind of look?
Client : A look that it could change any second. Maybe with the next person who enters the room. Lonely people have hope. She didn't seem to. She was just sad. Like she knew too much.
Ally : Knew too much? What did she know?
Client : That some people find love permanent. And some are just meant to be alone. She knew what she was.
When I first heard that last sentence, I can still remember that my entire body went numb because I felt that he was talking about me. This was years before I realized that I like women. As I started to come to terms with my sexuality, I was hopeful that I won’t have to be alone much longer. More than 20 years have since passed and that scene continues to haunt me. As confident and self-assured as I might seem, I am a defeatist when it comes to my own love life.
Do I feel sad and depressed as I am without a partner? Yes, sometimes. I have been told by close friends that there is sadness in my eyes even when I’m smiling. I do not deny the pessimist in me. And after years of searching to no avail, I have now accepted the possibility that I may be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable being on my own.
Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided to put my energy into being there and supporting my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. I want to do my part, however small, in the fight for LGBTQ+ acceptance and equality. What motivates me and makes my heart swell with happiness is when I see more and more of my fellow queers living their lives to the fullest and/or finding their companion in life.
So if you want to couple up, go ahead and work on it. Install one or all the dating apps available, and start swiping. Get out of your comfort zone and go on dates. Meet and make new friends. Ask your friends to introduce possible mates. Make the first move when you see someone you like. Be the best version of yourself.
If you feel comfortable being single, good for you. Live your life to the fullest on your own terms. Find a group of friends that you can depend on and be the best friend you can ever be. Find a hobby or something you are passionate about. Better the lives of the people around you. Be the best version of yourself.
Life is mysterious and wonderful, whether you are single or otherwise. Enjoy the journey to the best of your ability. Never look back in regret. Look back in pride.
(Editor: Zac.) (Photo from Alexis; Column graphic: modified from www.pngtree.com)