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Queerious Taiwan is an ongoing bilingual project that aims to celebrate diversity and bridge gaps between English-speaking and Chinese-speaking members of the LGBT community in Taiwan. 


酷兒思台灣是個正如火如荼進行中的雙語計畫,旨在慶祝多樣性,與橋接台灣LGBT社群中使用英語和中文成員的距離。

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© 2017 by Queerious Taiwan 酷兒思台灣

祝妳幸福 Wishing You Happiness

October 23, 2018

今天突然心血來潮登入一個很久沒用的交友網站,沒想到她——我第一個告白失敗的女生——竟然主動敲我!一番噓寒問暖之後,她說:「你知道嗎?! 我現在離你更近了!」。她要我猜她現在在哪。我猜了香港和中國大陸,都不對。原來她又再次回到了日本,在神戶上班。

 

想想,我們結識也快10年了。當時我們同住在一個屋簷下,一位慈祥日本歐吉桑的家。我剛從國際學生宿舍搬出,而她已經是老房客。我只記得她從樓梯走下來的那一瞬間,我淪陷了。

 

那是我在日本的最後半年,不用上課只需把碩士論文寫好就可以畢業。那理應是我最忙碌的時間,可我完全心不在焉。而她剛被公司裁員,所以時間很多。

 

因為她,我比往常更常外出、更常大笑、更好相處。所以那半年我變得很好約,常和她(以及其他朋友)四處賞櫻花。我每天都為她下廚做晚餐。每天都會先問她想吃什麼,再到超市買食材烹煮。煎、炒、燉、滷、炸、蒸、烤、煮;雞、牛、豬、羊、海鮮。看她吃得津津有味,我也莫名其妙地開心。

 

我們還在我學位口試後一起到義大利和法國背包旅行。當時的我是個窮學生,她也失業多個月靠著儲蓄過活,所以為了省經費,她建議我們當沙發客(couchsurfing)。內向不善交際的我,為了不讓她失望竟然同意她的建議一起去睡人家的沙發。當時真的有一種豁出去的感覺。結果她就負責聯絡沙發主人安排住宿,我則負責規劃交通和行程。

 

那14天是我最快樂也是最痛苦的兩個星期,因為我無法告訴她我內心的感覺。我很想牽她的手漫步在迷人的沙灘上;我很想在她沉睡時親吻她的額頭;我很想把她摟在懷裡一起觀賞日落/日出。無奈我只能把這些感情都壓抑著,而且還必須故作沒事,持續保持「朋友」的距離。雖然我們曾在意大利和一對老夫妻聊天時,被誤認成是一對-那時候,我内心雀喜萬分,卻又只能故作沒在意。

 

總而言之,那半年是我在日本最快樂的時光,但也是我最百感交集、情緒波動最大的六個月。

 

之後,我們相繼回國。本來就不打算留在日本的我,拿到學位後,在那年的九月離開了日本。她呢,因為儲蓄用完卻未能找到工作而被迫在八月就回國。她家在大都市,我爸媽則住在小鄉鎮,就這樣離開日本後我們分隔兩地。

 

掙扎了一個多月後,我決定向她告白,雖然知道成功的機率渺茫。果然,她信中一句「你就像我的大姊姊」,成了我人生的第一張好人卡。

 

暗戀半年,卻要療癒兩年多才走出來 。是我太笨、太痴還是太執著?也許都有吧,但我不後悔喜歡上她。

 

因為她,我變得愛吃紅蕃茄;因為她,我發現自己願意並樂意為喜歡的人下廚;因為她,我發現我可以為喜歡的人改變;因為她,我發現自己有愛人的能力;因為她,我發現我可以不顧一切的付出;因為她,我發現我也不過是個凡夫俗子,會為了愛失去理智。所以,儘管我們不可能在一起,我還是希望她一切都平安順利。

 

這次她一個人到日本工作,我唯一能做的,就是在此真誠的說一句:「S,祝妳幸福!」

 

 

 

 (兩雙夾腳拖,兩個歐洲國家,兩個星期)

(two pairs of slippers, two European countries, two weeks)

 

 

Today, out of the blue, I decided to login to a social network site that I’ve not been using for ages. Unexpectedly, S, the first person whom I’ve confessed my feelings to, started chatting with me. After the usual “How are you?” and other pleasantries, she suddenly said “Guess what?! I’m nearer to you now!” She kept asking me to guess where she is right now. Hong Kong and China were my two guesses but in the end it seems like she’s back in Japan once again, this time in Kobe.

 

After a quick mental calculation, I realized that we have known each other for almost 10 years now. We were once living under the same roof of a nice elderly Ojisan, W-san. I just moved out of an international student hostel, while she had stayed with W-san for a few years. The one thing I remembered clearly was that I was totally captivated by her the moment she came down the stairs.

 

Those were the last six months of my stay in Japan, the time when I only needed to complete my thesis before getting my degree. I should have been at my busiest, yet my heart was no longer in it. She was just retrenched by her company, so she had plenty of time on her hands while she was job searching.

 

Because of her, I went out more than usual, I laughed more and I was much easier to get along with. It was springtime, so I went out fairly often with her and other friends to see the sakura. I cooked for her every night. I asked her what she liked to eat and then went to the market for ingredients. Stir-frying, stewing, deep-frying, roasting, boiling and steaming; chicken, beef, pork, seafood and seasonal vegetables. I was happy and contented just watching her gulp down my cooking.

 

We even went backpacking to Italy and France after my oral defense. I was a poor student then while she was jobless, so to stretch our budget, she suggested that we do couchsurfing. It was something that I as an introvert would have never thought to do. Yet, in order to not disappoint her, I agreed, much to my own surprise, deciding to throw caution to the wind and go along with her plans to sleep on strangers’ couches. I was really out of my comfort zone but I was willing to take the plunge. All because of her. In the end, she took charge of contacting the hosts for our accommodations, while I took care of itinerary planning and transportation arrangements.

 

Those were the happiest, yet most torturous 14-days of my life as I was unable to tell her truly how I felt about her. I wanted so much to hold her hand while we strolled along those fantastic beaches. I wanted to kiss her while she was sleeping next to me on a shared bed. I wanted to hold her in my arms while we watched those magnificent sunrises and sunsets. Alas, all throughout the trip I had to suppress those feelings, keeping my distance and pretending that we were just friends, although we were once mistaken to as being a couple by this elderly husband and wife in Italy. I was elated when I heard them but I had to pretend not to hear, much less react to what they said.

 

In short, those six months were the happiest time of my stay in Japan, although it was also the time I had the most mixed-feelings with plenty of highs and lows.

 

After those six months, we went back to our own country. Having decided not to stay in Japan, I went back that September after getting my degree. As for her, she went back home a month before me as her savings ran out before she could secure a job. She lived in the city, while I went back to the little town where my parents were living.

 

After struggling for more than a month, I decided to confess my feelings via email, even though I know the chances of her reciprocating were close to nil. As expected, the “you are like a sister to me” from her became the first of many rejections I would get later in my life.  

 

It took me more than two years to get over this six-month crush. Was I too naive, too infatuated or too persistent? Maybe all of the above but I do not regret falling for her.

 

Because of her, I like eating red tomatoes. Because of her, I realized that I’m happy and willing to cook for the person I love. Because of her, I realized that I can change for the person I love. Because of her, I realized that I have the capacity to love. Because of her, I realized I am willing to make sacrifices and do anything for the person I love. Because of her, I realized I am human after all, one who will become irrational when it comes to love. Thus, even though we can never be together, I still hope that she’ll be safe and happy.

 

Now that she is, alone, working in Japan, the only thing I can do is to give her my sincere wishes, “S, all the very best!!”

 

 

 

 

(編輯: LeeWang Ching; Zac)  (Photo credit: Alexis)

 

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